BY KEVIN BARRETT,
In the illustrious culmination of his 100-year career, Henry Kissinger arrived in Hell today and was immediately appointed Satan’s National Security Advisor.
Kissinger will spend the rest of eternity devising futile diplomatic ruses and stratagems aimed at enhancing Hell’s nonexistent chances of defeating Heaven.
At a press conference announcing the appointment, Satan said that even though he knows he doesn’t have a chance in Hell of succeeding in his long-standing Global War on God (GWOG), he nonetheless hopes that Kissinger, by injecting notes of gravitas and realpolitic into the Kingdom of Hellfire’s infernally hopeless strategic and diplomatic efforts, will at least make the doomed enterprise more interesting.
Back on Earth, American president Joe Biden expressed hope that Kissinger’s mission to Hell would open up a new chapter in US-Hell relations. “Since we just paid Israel to murder 20,000 Palestinian civilians, and provided the weapons, the Devil must be looking fondly on America at this critical juncture in our history,” Biden said. “We have high hopes that Henry Kissinger will soon broker an agreement inaugurating a new era in which America and Hell work closely together to achieve our common goals. As I’ve always said, ‘If Kissinger can go to China, he damned well can go to Hell.”
Asked about his impressions of Hell, Kissinger quipped: “I’ve been to some Third World countries seeking nuclear weapons where things got almost this hot.” He added that when he arrived in Furth, Germany, as a US soldier right after World War II, he wondered where all the Zionists had gone. Smiling wickedly, the Gehennan immigrant who instantly rose to become National Security Advisor quipped: “Now I know.”
Here are some of Henry Kissinger’s greatest accomplishments:
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