PHILADELPHIA, PA—Protests over racial injustice erupted in Philly, and not a moment too soon: local man Michael Parsons was getting behind on his Christmas shopping.

“Well, this is convenient,” he said as he saw people were protesting the shooting of a man who was just one knife away from being unarmed. He grabbed his balaclava, a sign reading “INJUSTICE ANYWHERE IS A THREAT TO JUSTICE EVERYWHERE,” and a shopping cart, and headed out the door.

“Justice for whoever it was!” he cried as he made a stop at Best Buy and picked up an iPad for his mom and all six Star Wars movies on Blu-ray for his brother. “And you know what? I’m gonna treat myself,” he added as he threw a few Xbox games into his cart for himself.

“Uh, police are bad or whatever!” he quickly added as he made his way to Target for some stocking stuffers.

According to sources, Parsons is hoping there’s another police shooting sometime before Christmas, as he forgot to pick up an HDMI cable.

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